So you may have heard I have a book coming out soon.

I’m really excited about it, and at the same time, I’m struggling with balancing what I control in this situation – and what I don’t.

There is so much I don’t control. How many copies have been preordered from the bookstore where I’ll be signing copies? How many RSVPs to the big zoom launch party? How many editorial reviews will the book get? Will they be good? How many libraries will carry it? How many copies will sell? How many readers will it reach?

I don’t control ANY of that, so I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m getting the word out. I’m inviting people. I’m doing a 31 day social media countdown, sharing some of the nice things other people have said about the book – blurbs and early reviews (on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.) I’m continuing to post fun TikTok “Spill the Tea” videos, which give a taste of the surprises NO WAY, THEY WERE GAY? holds that rocked my world… hoping it will get young people who see it excited to read more.

Yet by its very nature, social media is all about external validation. How many views and likes did my latest post get? Did people comment? And it is insatiable. If I get 10 likes, I think, well, this other post got 40 likes, what was wrong with this one? If I get 40 likes, I feel driven to want more. I had one TikTok get over 1,137 views, 459 likes, and I was so pumped! But then, I did another TikTok this past Saturday, and in the twenty hours between posting it and writing this it has received… wait for it… Two views. One like. From my niece.

And checking on it all is addictive, in a way that feels really unhealthy for me. (I wish I was exaggerating but I’ve probably checked that TikTok count twenty times in as many hours – and I slept in!)

The trouble is that every time I allow myself to feel buoyed up by the success of a social media post, it makes me emotionally vulnerable to when a post doesn’t “do well.”

And this is on top of the responsibility I feel, like the book’s success rests totally on me, and how much I drive reader demand. Kacen Callender argues pretty convincingly that’s not something we authors control.

I want my book to succeed. But I don’t control those external success markers. What I really control, at the end of the day, is that I wrote the best book I could. I wrote the book that would have changed my whole life if I’d read it as a young closeted Gay kid.

And I try to focus my definition of success to be depth rather than breadth – maybe the impact on ONE reader. Hearing back from ONE reader that the book helped them.

Yet even that’s external. Out of my control.

By it’s very nature, being an author necessitates some external validation. I needed an agent to believe it it enough to submit it. I needed an editor and then a publisher to believe in it enough to acquire it. I needed early readers to blurb and give ‘social proof’ to convince folks that it’s not just me and the publisher who think the book has merit. That in the sea of more than a million new books every year, this one is worth their time and money. I needed the sales and marketing team to believe in my book enough to drive demand for it as best they can.

So I’m on this see-saw. On the one hand, I’m doing everything I can to ‘make it a success.’ But I also know that external success is out. of. my. control. But I keep trying. Maybe, I can move the needle. Maybe I can’t. But if I don’t try, isn’t it a lost opportunity?

So I try. As hard as I can.

And I tell myself that what I really control is done. The book is written, edited, line edited, copy edited, proof read, finalized, printed, and in warehouses. It has shipped to my local bookstore, where I’ll be signing preordered copies next week. (And of course, I’ll be obsessing over how many copies I’ll be signing.)

Thanks for letting me share this jumble of emotions.

You’re more than welcome to join me at the launch party – bit.ly/NoWayLaunchParty I’m not sure how many people will be there, but it will be fun even if it’s just Casey and Pam from the bookstore, my husband and teenage daughter on another computer from our home, and me and Alex Sanchez chatting about writing books for LGBTQ kids and teens and their allies. And I promise to try not to count how many people show up – to not make that external validation the marker of the event’s success.

It’s going to be a great conversation, and a celebration of the at-long-last publication of my book – and that internal validation should be enough.

The light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you,
Lee